The SW Triathlon

Walrus Tri xI

9 September 2023 | Langley Lane, Oxfordshire

530m | 21K | 5k

Held each September, the annual Sexy Walrus Intra-Club Triathlon, or SW Tri as it is more commonly known, is a unique affair exclusive to the Walrus community. This year's annual gathering of Team Walrus takes place at Langley Lane (OX18 2RZ). Read on to discover a few important bits of information if taking part this year along with general musings on this rather unusual event. The event is invite only, but to make an argument for your inclusion you can always contact us.

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The Format

Jonny delivers the race briefing to a rapt audience. The SW Tri circa 2016

An Introduction for the Uninitiated...

The most curious thing about the Sexy Walrus Intra-Club Triathlon is that, presuming all athletes have been honest when submitting their season’s scores to the Chairman, everyone should cross the finish line at exactly the same time. This is due to the unique handicapping system, whereby athletes are placed in a category – Pig, Slug, Cucumber, Monster, Beast, Seal Elite – according to their predicted time, with each category enjoying a suitable time advantage. The slowest athlete from the previous year – White Fang – leads the pack. More on White Fang later. VIEW YOUR CATEGORY HERE.

Whilst the reality is very different to this ideal, the effects of this system are multiple and often the cause of great dispute. Firstly, it means that the event is competitive for all athletes, regardless of ability, as everyone should stand a reasonable chance of winning their category. Whether they are a seasoned Seal or a first-time Pig, everything is to play for.

Secondly, it creates the unique and tantalising atmosphere of the hunt. As White Fang sets off, he knows that a full pack of slavering beasts is hot on his flippers. The same goes for all categories that follow behind, right up to the Seals who take on the role of a ravenous pack of hounds, chasing down the rest while frothing at the mouth. Every year spectators yearn to see what might happen should a Seal catch a Pig, let alone White Fang. Poor old White Fang.

The final effect of this system is that it makes it very difficult to tell how well one is doing at any point during the race, as athletes from all waves cluster during the ride and pass one another regularly. All anyone can really know is that, somewhere in the distance, somewhere far behind, Jonny is coming for them.

On White Fang

One oft-misunderstood point is White Fang. White Fang, while in theory the worst competitor from the previous year and subject to great humiliation by being chased - and invariably caught - by the rest of the pack, is also glorified in doing so and raised to great heights in Walrus lore. It is both the greatest honour yet also a source of utmost shame; all must aspire to be him yet avoid it at all costs. This, perhaps above all, sums up the ethos of the Walrus Triathlon.

I was enjoying it immensely. But I was confused. Ben had come in last place and yet, when he received his trophy the cheering reached its climax. The trophy was a small white fang standing erect on a polished wooden plinth. “If that was the reaction for last place, I can’t wait to see how people react as we move up the leader board” I thought to myself.
- Eddie Wellington on White Fang, 2018 report

Preparations

Big Barnacles Burns

Preparing for the Challenge

Preparations start months in advance as athletes prepare the bodies and minds for the occasion: athletes simultaneously train intensively while complaining about how they haven’t trained for months. The aim of this process is both to lull other athletes into a false sense of security about their chances, and also to trick George into lowering your category. And it’s all part and parcel of the event, permitted and encouraged by the rules.

The categories

Seal Elites - for elite athletes
Sea Beasts - for reasonably quick triathletes
Sea Monsters - middle of the pack, fit humans
Sea Slugs - for those out for a Sunday jaunt who are reasonably competent
Sea Cucumbers - for those who are real novices to the sport
Sea Pigs - the slowest of the slow

Pre-reading

There is also a certain amount of pre-reading expected of all competitors to satisfy our risk assessment:

Conquering Open Water Fears

Do you get nervous about panic attacks when swimming in open water? Worried there's a large beast somewhere down below, waiting to gobble you down? Read >>

8 Essential Tips for Novice Triathletes

8 essential tips for the novice triathlete embarking on that fabled first triathlon, as seen through the eyes of the Team Walrus Club secretary and chief guru for the newly initiated. Read >>

Walrus Run Report

Team Captain Eddie Wetbeak's seminal piece on the 2017 Walrus Run, an extraordinary event beaten only by this extraordinary tale. Not to mention the poem at the end. Read >>

Race Day

Transition - a place where athletes must not lose their nerve and above all their gels

The Briefing

Race day itself begins with the Briefing – done on one knee around Uncle Jonny, the one who taught us all – in transition. This is considered a core part of the event and is a chance to determine who has lied about their times through the manic look in their eyes. White Fang gets a customary cheer upon arrival along with furtive, greedy looks from the Seals. Transition buzzes with activity as preparation gets underfoot. At one end, the Seal Elites and Beasts, measured, careful in preparation, minimal equipment, heart rate low. At the other, the Pigs run wild, confused, panicked, talk of talc, nose-clips and gloves, gobbling flapjacks and Lucozade like sweet nectar. White Fang’s bike is usually still locked to itself, the key lost years ago. Instructions are handed out. Nods of agreement. Nerves manifest themselves as chuckles. More trips to the bushes.

The historic walk to the swim entrance follows the briefing, then the team photograph, a quick dump in the bushes, and then off they go! White Fang is set loose on the course, followed seconds later by the thrashing pigs – released into the water kicking and screaming. Splashing around like buffalo. Once the pigs are off the Cucumbers slither into the ink and before they know it they are on their way. The Monsters follow, then the Beasts and then the Seals! Each group sets off at speed for this short swim, some like they have outboard motors, others like they are trying to run through a heavily laden washing line. The rescue boat, when available, chugs alongside, keeping a keen eye out for struggling fish. Marshals patrol the banks shouting encouragement and sipping gels.

The Swim

540m Upstream along the thames. It's meandering and shallow.

540m swim against the current in the River Thames.

Another tactic (admittedly less frequently used) is shortly before setting off on the swim, you take off your goggles and hurl them onto the riverbank. Henry expertly pulled this move off this year.

Wetbeak's post-race analysis of the 2017 Walrus Run, which you can read in full here

Into T1 and Onto the Bike

Out of the swim, off comes the suit. Run a short distance up the slipway into transition. Transitions vary from the fast: drop suit, helmet on, shoes clipped in, off – to the slow: drop suit, dry off feet, gloves, socks, towel, glasses, flapjacks, double check working bell on bike, off. Timings are kept accurately by the marshals. Grimaces and grunts are shared as walrus pass one another, bowels roar with each gel, and sweat pours from tired brows.

The Bike

21Km and flat as a pancake - perfect

When on the bike, maintain the aero position at all times. Even when cornering sharply, and even if this forces you to lose control and ride onto a raised grassy verge.

Wetbeak's post-race analysis of the 2017 Walrus Run, which you can read in full here

Into T2!

Out of transition and along the Thames path heading east. The path is good but off road. If it’s been very wet then trail shoes may well be wise.

The Run

5Km

I was a little disappointed with my time but that’s probably not my fault at all because of the number of turns on the bike course and several small hedgehogs that kept getting under my feet during the run so I could never really open up and record the kind of time we all know I deserve.

Wetbeak's post-race analysis of the 2017 Walrus Run, which you can read in full here

Then it's to the pub. Packing burgers into bellies the athletes celebrate at the Plough Inn. Roman hands out the lovely blue Tshirts while stories are shared and musings about the order of the day. Who has the fastest time? Who is the new White Fang? Has anyone soiled themselves? Another briefing and a goodbye to a few but the evening dinner beckons....

Roman delivers the much-anticipated race t-shirts

To Dinner!

Jonny delivers the race briefing to a rapt audience. The SW Tri circa 2016

The dinner marks the end of the year for the Walrus. Much merriment is had, and the awards are doled out amidst much slapping of flippers. And as the wine and cocktails flow, followed by the port, and the cheese, the Walrus slowly drift off back to their beds, one by one, leaving only but a hardy few, dancing away to some grime music in a stark juxtaposition to the surroundings of a quiet 16th Century manor house. The night is finally brought to an end, as it ever is, by George. Who, having fallen asleep in a deep armchair, usually awakens and then tells everyone to bugger off and/or get the hell out as he needs to lock up.

The Walrus Dinner

View the gallery here

The shanty singing reverberated off the oak panelled walls as soldiers in mess dress took it in turns to gulp from a horn of ale. Victorian explorers hurriedly moved their pith helmets off the long banquet table to make room for large boards of smoked meat that were brought out from the kitchen.

The shanty singing grew louder... - From Eddie Wellington's report of the occasion, 2018